We lost our beautiful dog Zoe on Monday 14/9. She reached the grand age of 12 ¾ which is quite good for a Greyhound. We made the decision to put her to sleep and, while the decision was not difficult because she was suffering, the aftermath is very difficult to deal with.
I returned to work the following day; I informed my supervisor what had happened lest I burst into tears at some point during the day (which I did, several times) and without my colleagues knowing the truth, they might simply make up their own minds as to what was happening and simply speculate. My supervisor was very good about it & showed me genuine concern, knowing how much David and I love our doggies. The blog pics from that week are not some of my best; my face is swollen from crying & I just look sad (see ‘Pleats & Pussy Bows’, ‘Enter the Dragon’ and ‘Rose Pink’).
David has been fabulous; he loved Zoe as well of course and is dealing with the loss as best he can in his own way. David is more ‘highly evolved’ than me emotionally and spiritually, and has a much more practical view of life and death. While in my mind I know that death is part of life and is inevitable, I still don’t deal with it very well.
I have been feeling very alone and isolated, a little resentful that life seems to be travelling on for everyone else when part of mine has stopped. Very confused and finding it difficult to concentrate. Very tired and even experiencing physical chest pain (maybe this is why people talk about ‘broken hearts’ or ‘heartaches’ because it actually does hurt)! And can’t stop running the whole last day and a half of Zoe’s life through my mind, hoping I did the right thing at each stage, and wondering if I should have done something differently. Not wanting to wash her blankets etc because I will wash her smell away. Just doing & feeling lots of odd things.
Loss is not new to me; my mother passed away when I was 15 and my sister when I turned 30. The feelings I am experiencing with Zoe’s loss are exactly the same as for my mother and sister, just not as intense and debilitating.
I am very glad no-one – yet – has been insensitive enough to say ‘it was only a dog’ because as I said above, the feelings are very much the same. Because while I don’t believe in violence, I may just have to slap them!